Family Transitions
Although some missionaries remain single throughout their lives, the majority of them go through a variety of transitions during the usual family life cycle. This chapter deals with a variety of such transitions those missionaries experience.
· First, the transition to being married
· Second, the transition to being parents of children
· Third, the transition to being parents of adolescents
· Fourth the transition to the empty nest
During this family life cycle many people in Western cultures experience changes in marital satisfaction and in general life satisfaction. Boyd Rollins and Herald Feldman studied marital satisfaction over the family life cycle in the 1960s. Rather than grouping people by their chronological age, they defined the stage of the life cycle by the ages of their children as follows:
- No children
- Oldest child 0-2
- Oldest child 3-5
- Oldest child 6-12
- Oldest child 13-21
- First child gone to last child gone
- Empty nest to retirement
- Retirement to death of first spouse
Rollins and Feldman asked 852 American couples living in Syracuse, NY, at different stages how satisfying their present stage of the lifecycle was. They found that both husbands and wives were most satisfied with their marriage during stage 1 (no children). Then their satisfaction declined through stage 4 (oldest child 6-12), and finally it started to increase again, rising to about that of stage 1 after they retired.
Fortunately, they also asked people if their present stage of life was “very satisfying” in general, not just in their marriage. As shown below they found that at stages 1 and 2 (no children or oldest 2 or less) about 70% of both husbands and wives reported that it was “very satisfying.” After that there was a constant decline in satisfaction until only about 10% found stage 6 (when children were leaving) “very satisfying.” The percentage then doubled for stage 7 (empty nest), and it rose back up to about 70% in stage 8 (retirement to death of spouse). (Marital satisfaction over the family life cycle, Journal of Marriage and the Family, 1970, February, pp20-28.)
Thus, similar changes in life satisfaction occur in people who are not missionaries during the same ages it occurred in missionaries, and changes in marital satisfaction parallel changes in life satisfaction. One question remains, and that is whether this change in dissatisfaction occurs only in Americans or does it occur in other cultures as well?
This question was answered recently when Hannes Schwandt at Princeton University conducted a study of life satisfaction in Germany during 2013, researching a European population. He surveyed 23,161 Germans between the ages of 17 and 85, asking them to rate their life satisfaction. He found the highest satisfaction at age 23, the lowest satisfaction at 55, and it peaked again at age 69. His study was published by the Centre for Economic Performance at the London School of Economics at (http://cep.lse.ac.uk/pubs/download/dp1229.pdf. Thus, people in Western cultures experience an interval of much dissatisfaction in the middle of life whether they are missionaries or not.
As noted earlier, some missionaries remain single for life so they do not make the transitions discussed in the rest of this chapter. Of course, they do face many different issues, and those are discussed in Missionary Singles Issues available at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#singles. However, missionaries who marry and have families make the transitions mentioned earlier, transitions to marriage, to parenting children, to parenting adolescents, to the empty nest as follows.
FIRST: TRANSITION TO MARRIAGE
The transition from being single to being married is a major transition in anyone’s life, but that transition may be complicated by several factors in the lives of missionaries serving in other cultures. This section considers the implications of beginning marriage on the field, marrying a national, and marriage competing with the ministry of both husband and wife.
This is no honeymoon!
Even though agencies try to create realistic expectations during orientation, some missionary candidates think that their missionary service will be like a wonderful “honeymoon.” Though that may be the case for a short time, reality soon sets in.
Honeymoon Stage
During the early days or months of living in another culture, while still in “vacation mode,” a person experiences interest, fascination, joy, and enthusiasm living in another culture. This may last for days, weeks, or even months.
However, when the inevitable difficulties with language, people, housing, and food arise, people may become critical, frustrated, resentful, and angry. Simple tasks become daunting challenges, and disillusionment sets in. This post vacation mode time is very hard on marriage relationships, resulting in lower satisfaction in marriages.
Though thousands of missionaries have experienced this over the last couple of centuries, it was not until the end of the twentieth century that Christopher Rosik and Jelena Pandzic at Link Care studied this change in marital satisfaction systematically (Rosik, C. H. & Pandzic, J. 2008. Marital satisfaction among Christian missionaries: A longitudinal analysis from candidacy to second furlough. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 27, 3-15). Over a twenty year period he gave couples the Marital Satisfaction Inventory (MSI) three times:
· First, while they were candidates (before serving as missionaries),
· Second, four years later, after their first term of service in another culture,
· Third, an additional four years later, after their second term of service.
They analyzed the data comparing gender, length of marriage, and ages of children (if they had any). The MSI has a measure of overall satisfaction or dissatisfaction with the marriage. Rosik and Pandzic found that satisfaction with their marriage declined significantly during the four years between the first and second times they took the test (during the first term), and it remained lower four years later the third time (during their second term). The missionaries in Rosik and Pandzic’s study were all in age categories during which satisfaction is declining, so all ages reported increasing dissatisfaction during their first term.
Just Married!
Of course, a similar phenomenon occurs in any marriage. During the early days or months after the wedding, while still in the “honeymoon stage,” a person experiences interest, fascination, joy, and enthusiasm for married life. This may last for days, weeks, or even months.
However, when the inevitable difficulties from different expectations, different backgrounds, and daily “drudgery” tasks of living arise, newly-weds may also become critical, frustrated, resentful, and angry. Maintaining the relationship may become a daunting challenge, and disillusionment may set in. This post-honeymoon time may be hard on a marriage.
If a couple marries and leaves very soon to serve in another culture, the early days may be wonderful. Then if the two “honeymoons” end simultaneously, the following days may be dreadful. The couple may confuse cultural adjustments and marriage adjustments. The resulting disillusionment may cause them to leave the field, perhaps even the marriage. Even if they do not leave the marriage, their marriage may be damaged.
Married, no children
In addition to the general overall measure of satisfaction, the MSI has nine measures of satisfaction for specific areas of marriage. Rosik and Pandzic found the same pattern of declining satisfaction during the first term of service and continued lower satisfaction during the second term in three areas.
· Affective communication: The amount of affection and understanding expressed by their spouse.
· Sexual dissatisfaction: The frequency and quality of intercourse and other sexual activity.
· Role orientation: Traditional vs. nontraditional orientations toward marital and parental gender roles.
That is, missionaries became more dissatisfied with the affection, understanding, sexual activity, and roles they were expected to play during their first term of service, and that dissatisfaction remained through their second term. This would be expected because Rollins and Feldman had similar findings half a century earlier when they studied middle class residents of Syracuse, NY, in 1960 (Rollins, B. C. & Feldman, H. 1970. Marital satisfaction over the family life cycle. Journal of Marriage and the Family, pp. 20-28).
A decade earlier Steve Sweatman studied first term missionaries, and he found that they also experienced sexual dissatisfaction and dissatisfaction with affective communication. He did not study role orientation.
Gender differences
Wives and husbands had significantly different levels of dissatisfaction in three areas.
· Problem solving communication: general ineffectiveness in resolving differences. Wives were more dissatisfied than husbands each time they took the MSI.
· Time together: the couple’s companionship during time shared in leisure activity. Dissatisfaction for both husbands and wives increased significantly, but it increased during the first term for the wives and during the second term for husbands.
· Role orientation (defined above): Wives endorsed more traditional gender and parental roles than their husbands each time they took the MSI.
In his study of first-term missionaries a decade earlier, Sweatman (Sweatman, S. M. 1999, Marital satisfaction, cross-cultural adjustment stress, and the psychological sequelae Journal of Psychology and Theology, 27, 154-162) also found the greatest area of dissatisfaction was with time together. In addition, he found that that this dissatisfaction was significantly correlated with depression. He did not check to see if there was a difference between husbands and wives relative to the correlation with depression.
What can we do?
Serving as missionaries is often hard on marriages. After a brief honeymoon period the pressures of work and the stress of living in another culture begin to take their toll on marriage relationships. However, to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
Since the first term of missionary service can be so difficult, it is a crucial time to take action to protect and preserve marriage. The best general thing to do is to make your marriage a high priority in your lives. Of course, you want to serve others, but you must also care for yourself and your marriage.
Since both studies using the MSI pinpointed several specific areas where missionaries are most likely to be dissatisfied in marriage, those areas are good places to begin.
· Both studies noted that “time together” is a major problem. Begin by scheduling at least two hours every week for “relationship time” as described in the brochure on that topic. If you do not do so, you will probably grow further and further apart regardless of how close you believe you are.
· Both studies noted problems in affective communication, and one noted a lack in problem solving communication. Make it a priority to express your affection and really understand your spouse. Also learn how to resolve your differences so that they do not fester under the surface. Unexpressed and unresolved conflicts tend to explode under stress.
· Both studies noted sexual dissatisfaction. Use your upgraded communication skills to discuss your sexual frustrations. Unresolved conflicts in this area may lead to illicit sexual activity, but this may be prevented by meeting each other’s needs.
· Also use your communication skills to resolve conflicts about child rearing practices. Parents who do not present a united front to their children often wind up with divided families.
Finally, if possible, find a “mentor couple” about ten years ahead of you in their marriage relationship and child rearing. Meet with them on a regular basis to ask questions and listen to their suggestions.
For more specific information please see the article by Christopher Rosik and Jelena Pandzic titled “Marital satisfaction among Christian missionaries: A longitudinal analysis from candidacy to second furlough,” Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 2008, Vol. 27, No. 1, 3-15.
Marrying a National!
Living as a single person without adequate social support in another culture can be very lonely. It is common for people to marry someone they meet while serving in their host culture, and it has been so for many years. In fact, it happened in the family of William Carey, the “father of modern missions” in the 18th century. William’s wife Dorothy needed help, so her sister, Kitty, had agreed to help Dorothy with her children in India, but that did not last long.
· November 11, 1793, Kitty arrived in India.
· February 6, 1794, Kitty met Charles Short.
· November 15, 1794, Kitty married Charles.
A year and four days after she arrived in India, she married a man from her passport country, a man she had known for nine months.
Though William Carey’s marriage to Dorothy was undesirable, he remarried soon after her death.
· December 8, 1807, Dorothy died.
· May 8, 1808, William married Charlotte.
Five months after Dorothy’s death, William married a cross-cultural worker from Germany, a woman he had tutored in English eight years earlier while living in India.
Just as singles do marry expats from their passport culture and expats from other cultures, they also marry nationals from their host culture. Such singles have usually lived in the culture for some time and have developed an understanding and appreciation of the host cultures even though they are quite different from their passport cultures. Though the couple realizes they are different because of their cultures, they are “sure” that their love will overcome any problems that arise because they are not from the same culture.
Don’t opposites attract?
People may initially be attracted to others who are different, but in long-term relationships, similarities are much more important. Differences may change from attractive, to tolerated, to annoying, to grating, to destroying a relationship. Understanding and appreciating a culture is quite different from internalizing it. It is easier to adjust to differences between families in the same culture than it is to adjust to the deeply held values found in different cultures.
Differences that complement each other, such as one person being talkative and the other a listener, are relatively easy to adjust to. However, deeper cultural values, such as male vs. female roles or honesty vs. saving-face may be very difficult to live with. The single woman may be attracted to the macho male in her host culture but may not like the way he treats her after marriage. The single man may be attracted to the way the woman in his host culture avoids hurting anyone but may not like her lying to him to do so after marriage.
What does the Bible say?
The Old Testament forbids cross-cultural marriages for the Israelites.
· Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons (Deuteronomy 7:3).
· You are not to give your daughters in marriage to their sons, nor are you to take their daughters in marriage for your sons or for yourselves (Nehemiah 13:25).
· Also see Joshua 23:12 and Ezra 9 (whole chapter) among others.
These prohibitions were for religious reasons, deeply held cultural values. The reasons given were that intermarriage would result in people changing their concepts of and relationships with God and with false gods.
· For they will turn your sons away from following me to serve other gods Deuteronomy 7:4).
· Was it not because of marriages like these that Solomon king of Israel sinned? Nehemiah (13:26).
Of course, when marrying a national, people may say that they are both Christians. However, maintaining a marriage relationship when the couple has disagreements between deep cultural values of any kind is often very difficult. Marrying a national is not sinful, but it makes marriage more difficult. People may be very unhappy in such a marriage and be tempted to look for companionship outside the marriage.
What problems may occur?
Would any of the following disturb either you or your spouse-to-be? Since at least one of you will have to live in a host culture, that one will probably experience some, if not all, of the following.
· Your children do not really know your parents, their grandparents.
· Family members, such as grandparents and cousins, are not able to communicate well with your children.
· You do not celebrate your culture’s holidays and observe its traditions.
· You have to explain jokes and/or ask for them to be explained.
· Your children grow up with a different set of cultural assumptions than you have.
· You experience discrimination because of the ethnicity of your spouse.
· Your children grow up with gender roles you do not approve of.
· Etc….
What can we do?
Five things are absolutely necessary.
· Have at least one language in which both you are fluent. Explain a subtle emotion to your spouse-to-be, and ask him or her to explain it back in different words.
· Do not assume anything, especially things you would call “common sense.” Remember that you have much less in “common” than couples reared in the same culture.
· Do talk about every aspect of your future life together. Include at least the following aspects: spiritual, financial, marriage and sexual expectations, family, friends, gender roles, children, leisure, communication, and conflict resolution.
· Do not avoid talking about any subject. If your spouse-to-be says it is not important, press for discussion. If he or she refuses to discuss something, treat that as a red flag!
· Remember that what your in-laws think of you is extremely important. In many cultures their opinions may be of great importance to your spouse-to-be.
Are men and women alike?
Men marry national women and women marry national men, just as was the case in the OT cross-cultural marriages. Member care providers have observed that men tend to be more satisfied with their cross-cultural marriage than are women. This may be a result of the roles women are expected to play, especially if they live in their husband’s culture. Here are examples.
· A woman may be attracted to a Latin macho man because he seems to be more like a Biblical “head of the house” than do many sensitive men she has met in her passport culture. However, when his attitude turns out to be real machismo with full emphasis on male superiority, she may realize that even in him it is the old male chauvinism she despised in her own culture.
· A woman may believe she would be happy living with the convert she marries in the Middle East. However, when she actually lives there as his wife, she despises having to cover her entire body and being unable to express affection at all outside the privacy of her home.
· Even though a woman married to an African man is not forced to walk ten steps behind her husband, both of them may feel uncomfortable walking together when all the other women are behind their husbands.
What about TCKs?
Notable exceptions to women not being as satisfied in cross-cultural marriages are Third Culture Kids (TCKs), especially those who have grown up in their husband’s culture. If the woman has internalized parts of that culture, she may be comfortable with women’s roles there—perhaps more comfortable than with roles in her passport culture.
The same is true of female TCKs who grew up in cultures similar to their husbands’. For example, a woman who grew up in one tribe in an African culture may be happy with a similar role expected of her in another African culture. Similarly, one who grew up in one Latin country may be happy in similar Latin American countries.
Conclusion
Cross-cultural marriage adjustments often are more difficult than those in which both husband and wife are from the same culture. These marriages have an extra level of differences to work through.
· All husbands and wives have to work through differences between them as individuals.
· All husbands and wives have to work through differences between their families of origin. One marries a whole set of family traditions and expectations, not just an individual.
· In cross-cultural marriages the couple has to work through not only individual and family differences but also the much deeper cultural differences.
This does not mean it cannot be done, only that it is more difficult, often much more difficult. The cultural assumptions are much more central to our persons than people may expect.
Even more disconcerting are times when previously agreed upon items change.
· You find out that your spouse is more interested in working on a permanent resident card (Green Card in the USA) than on the marriage.
· Your spouse does not want to live in your passport country.
· You find out that you do not want to live permanently in your spouse’s country.
· Your spouse does not want to join your agency as agreed upon.
Cross-cultural marriages are difficult, but not impossible. Two people more interested in giving than in receiving are able to make them work. Just be prepared to be the one who gives.
Two excellent books about cross-cultural marriage were published in 2008. G. Shelling and F. Fraser-Smith wrote In Love but Worlds Apart: Insights, Questions and Tips for the Intercultural Couple is written by a two Christians who have much cross-cultural experience. Dugan Romano wrote this third edition of Intercultural Marriage: Promises and Pitfalls from a more secular perspective, but with a good chapter on religion. Both books raise many issues any couple considering an intercultural marriage should consider.
Marriage or Ministry
When faced with competing demands and “impossible” schedules, missionaries may feel trapped into making very difficult choices. They may feel like they have to choose one thing over another, often forced to choose one good thing over another. After single missionaries who have been fully dedicated to serving nationals may feel they have to choose between that service and their spouse. Such has also been the case from the very beginning of modern missions.
Marriage or ministry?
On April 4, 1793, William Carey thought that was the choice he had to make as he took his 8-year-old son and boarded a ship to become a missionary to India. He was leaving his pregnant wife, Dorothy, and their other two sons. He did not want to leave his wife and break up his family, but he apparently believed he had to choose between marriage and ministry.
When he could not reach India at that time, he returned home and was able to convince Dorothy to come with him, but his ministry was still more important than his marriage. Things did not go well with his marriage in India.
After Dorothy’s death in 1808 William married Charlotte in 1809. By then he realized that he did not have to choose between ministry and marriage but that he had to blend ministry with marriage. William and Charlotte were able to build a loving relationship in ministry. After her death in 1821 William said that his wife’s death was the greatest loss a man could live with.
Today probably no church or agency would allow anyone to break up marriage and family to go the field. However, even today some people still believe that the choice has to be between marriage and ministry. If marriage and ministry schedules conflict, some choose ministry over marriage thinking that they must make an “either-or” decision.
What does the Bible say?
Fortunately, the Bible gives us a good example of a husband and wife in cross-cultural ministry together. Priscilla and Aquila always appear together in ministry. Sometimes they are referred to as Aquila and Priscilla, and sometimes as Priscilla and Aquila, but always together (Acts 18, Romans 16, 1 Corinthians 16, 2 Timothy 4).
Aquila was a Jewish TCK growing up in Pontus near the Black Sea on the north side of what is now Turkey. People from Pontus were present at Pentecost (Acts 2:9). Aquila and Priscilla became Christian missionaries to several countries.
· They served in Italy but had to leave when Jews were ordered out (Acts18:2).
· They then became tentmakers in Corinth, giving hospitality and work to Paul (Acts 18:3) as well as hosting a house church there (1 Corinthians 16:19).
· They later served in Ephesus where they engaged in a discipleship ministry in their home (Acts 18:26).
Thus we see this married couple moving from Jewish to Roman to Greek to Asian cultures. Always serving together in a variety of ministries and viewed as a team with neither one more important than the other, they were a great example of marriage and ministry. For them it was not a question of choosing ministry or marriage, it was a matter of serving together in a “both-and” situation, both marriage and ministry. They were in ministry together, and people viewed them as a team.
Marriage is ministry?
Many missionaries have found that their marriage is a ministry. As one lady put it, “We realized that our students at various levels of theological training were reading our lives more intently than listening to what we taught.” What you do may speak so loud that nationals cannot hear what you say.
Few people in ministry have students or parishioners come up to them years later and tell them how a particular lecture or sermon changed their lives. However, many have had people tell them how observing their actions, their lives, and their marriages had influenced them profoundly.
Missionaries, more than most people, would understand what an ambassador is. Missionaries, like other believers, are Christ’s ambassadors through whom God makes his appeal to people of other cultures (2 Corinthians 5:20). When nationals come into missionary homes, they are entering the residence of God’s ambassadors. The way husbands and wives relate to each other and to their visitors affects God’s appeal to them.
What about ministry and marriage in the early church?
The Bible does not deal specifically with husbands and wives in ministry together as missionaries. However, it does deal with husbands and wives as leaders of churches planted by missionaries.
Timothy grew up as a TCK in the town of Lystra in Lyconia. His mother was a Jewish believer and his father was a Greek (Acts 16). Timothy joined Paul during Paul’s second term of missionary service and traveled with Paul and Silas to many countries, including Greece, Macedonia, and Asia.
One time when Paul, the senior mission administrator, was leaving for Macedonia, he asked Timothy to remain on-site in Ephesus to deal with problems in the national church there (1 Timothy 1:3). Later, probably from Rome, Paul wrote a letter to Timothy instructing him how to deal with several issues including the qualifications of church leaders (1 Timothy 3).
· Church leaders (all men in that church) were to be respectable, self-controlled, hospitable, gentle, not quarrelsome, etc. (1 Timothy 3:2-10).
· Their spouses (wives) were to be respectable, temperate, trustworthy, etc. (1 Timothy 3:11).
Leadership in the church was not only the role of the one designated as leader, but also of the spouse. Though these instructions were for nationals in church leadership rather than for the missionaries themselves, certainly the missionaries overseeing them would have at least as much expected of them, probably more.
Marriage and ministry?
Although God does not make us choose between ministry and marriage, and ideally our marriage is often our ministry, missionaries usually still have to make some difficult choices. So many demands are made on their time that they cannot do everything they want to do in both ministry and marriage. Here are several things to consider when faced with this choice:
First, everyone has 24 hours in each day. People vary greatly in how much money they have, the physical stamina they have, the intellectual prowess they have and so forth. However, everyone has exactly 24 hours each day. Each person is responsible for how they use that time. When people say that there is “no time” to do something, what they mean is that other things are more important. Everyone must be careful not to let the good crowd out the better and the better not crowd out the best.
Second, what you do is more important than what you say. Paul did not need to urge the Corinthians to imitate him. Children imitate their fathers! Of course, before you urge people to imitate you, you must make sure that you “walk the talk.” Paul sent Timothy, the same person he had sent to the Ephesians, to remind the Corinthian church that Paul’s way of life agreed with what he taught “everywhere in every church” (I Corinthians 4: 16-17).
Third, intentionally schedule both marriage and ministry times. Missionaries may come from time-oriented cultures where their agencies and supporters are more interested in “results” than in relationships. Such missionaries are likely to become more involved in doing things that show up in reportable statistics than in maintaining relationships with spouses, children, colleagues, and nationals. Without “relationship time” marriages suffer.
Many years ago my wife and I were invited to a marriage enrichment weekend, but we found out that the leader was going through his second divorce at that time. Would you go? We know a couple who were both marriage counselors, but they had divorced and the husband married a client. Would you go to either of them for counsel about your marriage? What about nationals going to missionaries who are so busy conducting marriage retreats that they have no time for each other?
What did Paul tell an early church he had planted about husbands and wives?
Paul wrote to the Ephesian church, the same one where he had left Timothy, to teach about marriage. Rather than being seen as about the “Christ as the head,” the last part of chapter five has often been interpreted as being about the “Husband as the head” (Ephesians 5:21-33).
Missionaries serving in countries where the macho male already sees himself as vastly superior to his wife must be very careful what they say. Macho men, and even their wives, may quickly pick up the phrase, “wives, submit to your husbands…” and miss the previous verse which says, “Submit to one another…” (v. 21).
Note how often God is mentioned:
· (v. 22) …as to the Lord…
· (v. 23) …as Christ is…the Savior…
· (v. 24) …to Christ, so…
· (v. 25) …as Christ loved…gave himself up…
· (v. 27) …to himself as…
· (v. 29) …as Christ does…
· (v. 32) …about Christ and…
Just as Jesus said that the two parts of the Great Commandment summarized the Law, the parallel commands here summarize this whole passage: “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (v. 25)” and “Each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself (v. 33).
Relationships are often more important than “results.” Be careful to maintain your marriage as well as your ministry. When you model this in your own lives, it will not only enrich your lives but also nationals will imitate it in theirs.
Of course, missionaries face many other issues in their marriage as well. Missionary Marriage Issues is available free of charge at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#marriage. This book will be helpful to married missionaries regardless of how long they have been married.
SECOND: TRANSITION TO BEING PARENTS OF CHILDREN
The level of marital satisfaction and life satisfaction often remains high for the first couple of years the missionaries have children. However, as time goes on satisfaction levels begin a decline, and that decline does not end for many years.
Just as Rosik & Pandzic and Sweatman found that satisfaction declined during the first term of missionary service, they found that having children just added additional issues. Children in the home resulted in two additional specific areas.
· Conflict over child rearing: This was the conflict between spouses about child rearing practices. Again, satisfaction declined during the first term and continued lower during the second term.
· Dissatisfaction with children: This included both the relationship between the spouses and children as well as parental concern with the emotional or behavioral well-being of at least one child. This changed little over time for those entering missions when they had been married for five or more years. However, the dissatisfaction increased during both the first and second terms for those married less than five years when they entered missionary service.
In addition, parents who have babies on the field may find themselves not only in disagreement with each other about discipline for their children, but also even if they agree on how to do it, they may find themselves in disagreement with their neighbors.
Finally, if they bring children to the field with them, they may find it difficult to help the children adjust, and they may find themselves having to choose again how make the choice between ministry and parenthood—usually the wife choosing between ministry and motherhood.
How Will We Discipline Them?
Remembering the pain when his father whipped him with a belt, Stan resolved never to use anything but his own hand when punishing his child. He knew that the Bible said that the man who “spares the rod” hates his son, so Stan was “careful to discipline” the son he loved (Proverbs 13:34). He spanked only with his own hand so that he could feel how much pain he was giving.
Remembering that her mother would remind her that “God is love” even when she disobeyed, Beth resolved that no one would ever hit her children. She could not imagine Jesus giving a child a spanking. Her mother had always emphasized that Jesus would forgive her if she just prayed and said she was sorry.
As husband and wife Stan and Beth now have their own small children. They have had many discussions about differences between the families they grew up in, differences in the way they looked at Scripture, as well as differences they had about disciplining their children. They had come from diverse family and church backgrounds, but after talking with their pastor they finally came to some agreement about disciplining their children. They are glad to have that behind them now that they are planning to serve overseas. Or is it behind them? Will these issues come up again?
Another Culture
In Families on the Move, Marion Knell tells the story of a child attending an international school. One day the boy came home from school and told his parents that a teacher had touched his private parts. The distraught parents immediately went to the school to investigate. They found out that touching a small boy’s private parts to discipline him was the cultural norm in their host culture. The teacher could not understand what the fuss was all about—she certainly had no intention of abusing the boy or of harming him in any way.
Just as families differ in their view of punishment, so do cultures. In some cultures the only ones allowed to discipline a child are the child’s own parents. In other cultures any responsible adult present is expected to discipline a misbehaving child. Some cultures use corporal punishment; others use shame or time-outs; and still others use little punishment at all. Even cultures which use physical punishment about equally may differ in the kind of such punishment.
A 2007 comparison of Japanese and USA college students found that about 90% of the students in both cultures reported experiencing physical punishment. However, students in the USA were more likely to report being hit with an object than those in Japan. In addition, USA students were most likely to be hit on the bottom and the hand, but Japanese students were most likely to be hit in the face or on the head.
Thus, as expected, people from families and cultures not using punishment may be appalled at any punishment given to their children. Even people who come from families and cultures which use punishment may be appalled at their children being slapped in the face by relative strangers or having someone touch their children’s private parts. These situations are most likely to occur in the context of household help, nearby national neighbors, or nearby expatriates.
Household Help
When wages are much lower in their host countries than in the passport countries, missionaries often hire people on a regular basis to work around their homes. Some of these people are essentially nannies, there to care for the children. Of course, people should be aware of major cultural differences and screen the nannies carefully to find out not only the cultural means of discipline they use but also their family’s means of discipline.
In addition, other nationals who are there primarily to cook, clean, do household maintenance, or yard work also come into contact with children. They may also discipline your children, especially when you are not present. All of these individuals will also impart other aspects of their culture to your children, a part of making them TCKs.
As parents it is your responsibility to learn enough about the culture and your household help to assure that what your children learn from them meets with your approval. Since these people are your employees and work in or around your home, you can influence what they do with your children. Even then your spouse and you may disagree on what to do about such discipline.
National Neighbors
Assuming that you live in a “neighborhood” with nationals living all around you (rather than in a “compound” with only people from your agency), your children will probably play with national children who live nearby. While playing together your children are likely to spend time in homes of these national children where they will encounter parents and other extended family members. These adults are likely to step in and discipline your children; after all, your children are in their homes.
In this situation, you have much less leverage to question the families and much less control over what they do to discipline your children. You can still learn about the culture, but you have to rely on general conversation and observation of everyday behavior to discover their family norms for discipline.
In this case you will need to make judgments about the relative value of your relationship with these people and the influence of their discipline on your children. This may lead to marked disagreement between husband and wife. One spouse may think of broken toys as an indication of lack of respect for another’s property, and the other may see those broken toys as evidence of a lack of materialistic influence.
Nearby Expats
Unlike parents in their passport country, people living in a host country have a relatively limited number of people from their own culture to talk with. Some parents live in rather isolated (from other expats) conditions where they have few people with whom they can discuss disciplining their children. In fact, some people live in small villages far from anyone from their passport culture.
Other parents live in urban areas where they have access not only to other parents from their passport culture but also parents from other cultures who speak their language. Having others from back “home” nearby may be a real help, but asking parents from other cultures (even ones who speak the same language) may result in even more confusion since that brings in other cultural differences.
If other families live nearby, children playing together and visiting each others’ homes may bring conflict not only between spouses, but with nearby expats about how children should be disciplined. Issues on the value of the relationship with these expats and the morale of the mission community need to be considered.
Other Factors
Here are several things to keep in mind as you discuss disciplining children.
· There is no one best way to discipline children. They grow up and become members of society after being disciplined in a wide variety of ways.
· Parents must present a united front. They need to have core values agreed on before marriage if possible, or with a counselor after marriage if they did not do so before marriage.
· Always intervene in cases of abuse. Do not give your silent approval if you see physical, sexual, or emotional abuse such as name-calling or other damaging activity.
· Be careful of what you do that is motivated by guilt. Some parents try to “atone” for what they have “put their children through” by taking them to live in another culture. Though you may want to be compassionate for a short period of adjustment right after arrival, do not hesitate to discipline when that time is over.
· Agree on the role of children and refine your view of their role as they mature. Are they also “missionaries” while in the host country with you? They may enjoy this role while children but come to resent it as adolescents. Likewise, they may think it is “neat” to sing in the national language to help you raise funds during childhood, but they may despise doing it as teenagers. Allow them to play these roles, but be very careful about force or shame to get them to do so.
· Remember that you are very influential in your children’s lives. In a large study of adult TCKs (specifically missionary kids) one question asked was, “Who was most important in your life as you were growing up?” Two-thirds of the respondents named their parents: 32% said father, 28% said both parents, and 6% said mother. The other one-third was distributed among houseparents, teachers, siblings, friends, and others.
What does Bible say?
As noted in the introduction, the Bible mentions a variety of means of discipline, ranging from the rod to love. No one method fits all children at all times. It is clear that even the children of spiritual leaders go bad when not disciplined.
· Sons of Eli, the priest. God told Samuel that he would judge Eli’s family because of the sin Eli knew about and “he failed to restrain them” (1 Samuel 3:13).
· Sons of Samuel, the prophet. “But his sons did not walk in his ways (1 Samuel 8:3).
· Adonijah, son of David, the king. Adonijah proclaimed himself king. The Bible says that “His father had never interfered with him by asking, ‘Why do you behave as you do?’” (1 Kings 1:6).
School (Preschool & Primary)
School is a very important part of the children’s lives, and you have a broad range of options open to you:
· Local Christian school
· Local international school
· Correspondence courses (traditional or DVD)
· Distance learning (internet or DVD)
· National school (public or private)
· Home school (alone or cooperative)
· Assisted home school (home and other)
· Boarding school (mission or international Christian)
· Satellite school (small or multigrade class)
As you and your children face these choices, remember that no one type of schooling is recommended for all children or even one child over his or her lifetime. Some children flourish in one type of school while other children flourish in another. A child may do well in one school situation when five years old but need a different one when ten years old.
This decision is one that you are likely to revisit several times during a child’s life, so do not be reluctant to make changes when such changes will help.
Much has been written about the education of child TCKs, but not as much has been written about their reentry (or entry) into their passport culture. We’re Going Home: Reentry for Elementary Children is available free of charge at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#going_home. This book is written at a third or fourth grade reading level and contains activities for children. I Don’t Want to Go Home: Parent’s Guide for Reentry for Elementary Children is available free of charge at the same place, and it gives suggestions for the parents of such children.
THIRD: TRANSITION TO BEING PARENTS OF ADOLESCENTS
The decline in marital satisfaction and life satisfaction that began while the parents had children continues reaching its lowest point while the adolescents are leaving home.
As their children become adolescents, parents may find themselves in conflict with nationals about what to expect of teenagers. Such parents must remember that adolescence is a relatively new invention of Western culture, and the host culture may not have invented it yet—or may have extended it.
Adolescence
Jesus was a teenager, but never an adolescent. So was Moses. So was Paul. So was George Washington. If you are working among non-Western people, that may be the case with them as well. If you are working in developing countries, you may have noticed that teenagers in the larger cities are adolescents, but those in the rural villages are not. Why is there this difference? What is adolescence? What does the Bible say about it? Should adolescents be treated as adults? What are the major problems of adolescence? How can those problems be prevented? Let’s consider some of these questions.
What is adolescence?
Today adolescence is the time of life between puberty and adulthood. That seems simple enough, but it is much more complicated than it appears at first glance because of changes during the last 200 years.
· Puberty. Puberty originally meant, “of ripe age, adult.” That is what it still means in many tribes where children go through rites of passage as teenagers to become full adults in their culture. However, in Western nations the age of sexual maturity has decreased by three or four years, but people do not become adults culturally at that time. Today puberty means only sexual maturity.
· Adulthood. People used to become adults in their early teens, such as Jewish children going through bat or bar mitzvah at 12 or 13. It is not clear when people become adults today in Western countries. They begin paying adult prices in restaurants and theatres at 12, driving at 16, graduating and voting at 18, and buying liquor at 21. We have gone from the bar mitzvah to the bar as the final step to adulthood.
· Adolescence is the time of life after puberty but before adulthood; it did not exist much before the twentieth century and still exists only in Western (or Westernizing) countries.
What causes adolescence?
Culture. More than anyone else, missionaries should recognize the influence of culture. According to one Rabbi in the Talmud, a good man was one who “leads his children in the right path, and marries them just before they attain puberty.” In pioneer America, “a marriage that sometimes united a boy of 16 to a girl of 14 was an occasion of merriment that brought out the whole fort.” For 3000 years the minimum legal age of marriage in the Jewish, Roman, Anglo-Saxon, and American cultures (as in most other cultures) was 12 for women and 14 for men. Not everyone married at those ages, but they were adults and could marry if they wanted to, just as people at 18 years of age can today.
What does the Bible say about Adolescence?
Nothing. It had not been invented yet in the Hebrew, Greek, or Roman cultures. In Bible times people were babies, children, grown-ups, men and women, but not adolescents. Look at some scripture passages.
· Moses: “Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, ‘take this baby and nurse him for me…When the child grew older…One day after Moses had grown up…” (Exodus, 2:9-11, NIV)
· Paul: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11, NIV).
Should we treat adolescents like adults?
You probably think, “Teenagers are so irresponsible, certainly they cannot be expected to act like adults.” Yet teenagers were treated as adults for thousands of years in most cultures, and they did fine. God trusted the care of his son into the hands of Mary, a teenager. Of course, the difference in Western cultures today is that we do not expect adult behavior from teenagers, and we do not prepare children to act like adults when they pass through puberty. People tend to behave as expected, so when we expect childish behavior from teens, we get it. Most adolescents today cannot be treated as adults because they have never learned to be responsible. Although they have developed adult capacities physically, mentally, and morally, our culture has not prepared them to be adults, as cultures did for thousands of years. Yes, we should treat adolescents as adults; we just need to prepare them to act responsibly. Preparing children and expecting adult behavior from adolescents prevents many teen problems.
What are the major problems of adolescence?
When difficulties occur during the teen years, they often center around our invention of adolescence, and they occur in three major areas: identity, sexuality, and work.
· Identity. Adolescents have problems knowing who they are because we have not yet created a cultural identity for adolescents. They are neither children nor adults. In addition to the loss of family identity by such things as divorce and remarriage, MKs may live much of their lives thousands of miles from their extended families, seeing them only rarely. In addition to the loss of community identity caused by urbanization and bussing, MKs may live in a different “home” each time they come to their “home” country. And in addition to the loss of religious identity due to denominations and independent churches, MKs may be confused by national religions.
· Sexuality. The very definition of adolescence means that teenagers are not able to express their sexuality in a marriage relationship. They cannot legally be married (without parental consent) for about the first six years of their sexual maturity and cannot financially afford to for about the first ten years. Unfortunately, this is during the young men’s time of greatest sexual desire. Of course, we know that most teenagers in Western cultures are not sexually inactive. MKs may grow up in host cultures that are even more sexually permissive than their “home” country as well as in missionary subcultures that are less sexually permissive. This may result in even more difficulty dealing with their sexuality during adolescence.
· Work. Teenagers worked for thousands of years, but full-time work that pays enough to live on was legally prohibited for most people before the age of 18 with the invention of adolescence. Since they could not work, our culture passed laws that adolescents must go to school, although many teens now work part-time. MKs often have even more limited opportunities to work, earn money, and learn how to spend it than teens in sending countries.
Can adolescence be “treated?”
Western culture may someday find that it cannot support adolescence, and gradually decrease it. However, for the present time, we have to live in this culture with adolescence. The only “cure” for adolescence now is to grow older and become an adult.
Can adolescence problems be prevented?
Problems in adolescence can at least be greatly decreased. The major way to help those going through adolescence is to treat them as adults. Expect responsible behavior from them and teach them to be adults. Parents can take many specific actions to help with all three major problem areas. Here are a few examples.
Identity. Help teens develop an identity:
· Family. Have family nights, family outings, family traditions, family jokes, family devotions, family scrapbooks and videos. Study the family history.
· Mission community. Participate in school activities, church activities, dinners, retreats, outings, etc. with others in the mission. Have a positive attitude about it.
· “Home” community. When in the home country, participate in scouts, 4-H, PTO, block parties, etc. Subscribe to the local paper and read about the local history.
· Religious. Adolescents should participate as adults in the choir, ushering, teaching, leading Bible study, participating in board meetings, leading small groups, etc.
Sexuality. Talk with teens about sex.
· Talk about sexuality and adolescence so that the adolescents will realize the problem is with Western culture, not with them as individuals. Begin doing this when they are children.
· Study what the Bible has to say about the various types of sexual activity in which adolescents engage, and look at all the positive things the Bible has to say about sex.
· Begin interacting with the opposite sex in acceptable ways. Dating is a time of becoming friends and developing commitment, not becoming sexual partners.
· Make a commitment during the early teen years about what the teen will do and will not do in terms of sexual behavior (hold hands, embrace, pet, premarital sex, etc.)
Work and Money. Teach teens about finances.
· Everyone given a job to do to help around the house and grounds, without pay.
· Teens work extra jobs to earn their own money to spend as they see fit, to learn how to manage money.
· Give teens the money you would use to buy their own necessities (clothing, toiletries, etc.) as their weekly or monthly pay, just as you are paid. It is then their responsibility to manage that money so they will have new clothes for school. If they do not have it, let them wear their old ones.
Although there will almost certainly be times of conflict, in general adolescence can be a time of growth for both parents and teenagers.
Much has been written about adolescent TCK education and life. Two books are available free of charge on www.missionarycare.com. Understanding Adolescence at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#adolescence was written for parents. Third Culture Kids and Adolescence: Cultural Creations at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#cultural_creations was written for their TCKs.
FOURTH: TRANSITION TO THE EMPTY NEST
As time passes, adolescents become adults, and they leave home. After the last one leaves home, marital and life satisfaction which have been declining for many years begin to rise during the empty nest years. Both types of satisfaction ultimately rise back to their original levels after retirement.
The empty nest syndrome
When some people think about the last child leaving home, the “empty nest syndrome” immediately comes to mind. They may think of “symptoms” such as unhappiness, depression, lack of purpose, feelings of rejection, stress, or worry about the child’s welfare. They may know parents who seemed to lose their identity and seemed to be lost without any children.
Of course, some parents do have such reactions, but they are usually able to cope with them by keeping contact with their offspring which is relatively easy with email, Skype, Twitter, Instagram, texting, cell phones, and other digital means. They can find new ministries, such as one to children or teens if they still want to be “parents.” They can develop new interests or pursue some hobby they had to give up when the children came along.
Finally, parents and the rest of society both treat the grown young men or young women as adults, and everyone can interact as adults. As long as the parents treat these new adults for what they are and the new adults behave as responsible adults, all can interact positively.
Satisfaction
As noted at the beginning of this chapter, Stage 7 of the life cycle mentions the empty nest, and that may make people wonder about the feelings of grief and loneliness of the empty nest syndrome. It is true that after the last child leaves home, some parents may report depression, loss of purpose, and anxiety. However, far more people find the benefits of having time for each other as well as the freedom and time to do what they have been wanting to do for years. Rollins and Feldman found that during the empty nest years people were twice as likely to find their lives “very satisfying" as they were before the last child left.
Although empty nest parents may miss having their children around, they most often enjoy this period of life and the opportunities they have to try new things. Of course, sometimes missionaries have special concerns because their children are likely to be far away.
Off to college or university
Many TCKs return to their passport countries to continue their education at a college or university. Some missionary parents take an extended home ministry assignment so they can at least be in the country where their offspring are. Of course, this is a good thing to do, but they may find that their student TCKs have found good groups to help them while away from home at the college or university. Of course, leaving home to go to school is something that is not new to TCKs who have attended boarding schools overseas, often far from home.
Many Christian colleges have special orientation times for TCKs before the other students arrive. These are good times for such students to develop relationships with each other before the majority of students arrive. It is usually best for parents to leave as soon as this orientation begins so that they do not keep their offspring from getting the chance to develop such relationships which will help them in the days ahead throughout the semester. Parents need to encourage their sons and daughters to participate in all of the activities during orientation even though they get tired of playing “silly games.” That time is when all students are new, and they are making friends and forming groups that will be difficult to join later
Likewise, many Christian colleges often have Mu Kappa chapters on campus. Mu Kappa exists to encourage missionary kids, multicultural students, and international students in their cross-cultural transitions to foster meaningful relationships with God, family, and others. Mu Kappa chapters are not formed by the college or university, but they are formed by TCKs for TCKs. They may have a staff sponsor to help them. However, if interest in Mu Kappa wanes, the chapter is just disbanded until a new group of TCKs want to form a chapter. Information about Mu Kappa is available at http://mukappa.org.
Secular institutions are less likely to have Mu Kappa, but they often have Intervarsity Christian Fellowship or Cru chapters. The Purpose of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship/USA is to establish and advance at colleges and universities “witnessing communities” of students and faculty who follow Jesus as Savior and Lord http://www.intervarsity.org/. Formerly known as Campus Crusade for Christ International, Cru is a worldwide, interdenominational Christian ministry committed to helping take the gospel of Jesus Christ to all nations. Cru began as a ministry to university students in the USA, but it has expanded to a worldwide ministry at http://www.cru.org. Of course, many Christian denominations and other groups may have campus chapters as well. Any of these groups will put TCKs in contact with fellow Christian students, but they are less likely to meet the needs of someone who has grown up between cultures.
End of education
When TCKs finish their education and fully enter adulthood to begin supporting themselves, they may find life much more difficult than they found beginning college or university studies. Missionary parents may not realize this, and they do not take an extended home ministry assignment. Even if they take an extended HMA, there is not much parents can do. It is time for TCKs to find their own way in the world, to finally leave the nest and build their own nest.
During this transition, there are no congenial groups provided for these TCKs. There is no orientation, Mu Kappa, Intervarsity or Cru waiting to help them adjust. They are on their own to find work, a church, a home, and all else that goes with being an adult. Unfortunately, with the rise in “helicopter parents” in many developed countries, such “children” return to their parents’ nest for an extended time.
Of course, many parents do not know what to do because they do not want to “kick them out.” One good thing to do is to require these “children” who have returned to the nest to find work of some kind. They often want to start at the “top” rather than work their way up. However, working even such a temporary job as fast food and paying their parents for room and board will give them many of the skills they need for being adults in society.
Freedoms
When the nest is really empty, the parents are likely to experience freedoms they have not had since before they had children. They are done paying tuition and providing room and board, so they are likely to have more money on hand. They may also have more time to do things that they have wanted to do for years. This available cash and time enables them to travel, volunteer to help others, and do anything that is on their “bucket list” of things they would like. Most people find life satisfaction rising!
Sandwich generation
One other thing that may occur during this time is that the missionaries find that their parents also need their help. If this happens, missionaries find themselves “sandwiched” between the generation before them and the generation behind them. This can be a difficult time. However, with life expectancy rising to where it is today, the need to care for parents is likely to occur long after the nest is empty. Therefore, this topic is found in Chapter 14 about retirement.
Several brochures and books on related topics are available free of charge on www.missionarycare.com.
· A brochure about relationship time at http://www.missionarycare.com/marriage/relationshiptime.htm
· A brochure about conflict at http://www.missionarycare.com/brochures/br_conflict.htm
· A brochure about discipline at http://www.missionarycare.com/marriage/discipline.htm
· A brochure about children’s adjustment at http://www.missionarycare.com/brochures/br_children_adjustment.htm
· A brochure about books for and about TCKs at http://www.missionarycare.com/brochures/br_TCKbooks.htm
· A brochure about generational differences at http://www.missionarycare.com/brochures/br_generational_differences.htm
· A brochure about helicopter parents at http://www.missionarycare.com/brochures/br_helicopter_parents.htm
Books:
· A book about singles issues at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#singles
· A book about marriage issues at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#marriage
· A book raising resilient MKs at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#resilient_mks
· A book about understanding adolescence at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#adolescence
· A book about TCKs and adolescence at http://www.missionarycare.com/ebook.htm#cultural_creations